Today was a whopper of a bad day. It marks one months since my mom took her last breath. It is also the day she should have turned 56. For me, things have just suddenly become real. She's not on a holiday - she's gone. forever. and it sucks more and more everyday.
Mom has been away before, to visit my sister, on cruises or holidays - but never more than 3 weeks at a time. So the reality of no more phone calls, no more hugs, no more smiling every second she's with my kids, is setting in.
Had a big ugly cry last night and some very comforting BBM convos (did I mention I'm new to the Blackberry world, and loving it) with Dan and a wizard of a friend.
I asked a friend, who shares my moms birthday, to have a rum & coke and piece of cake for her, just in case it doesn't taste the same in heaven...
I'm buckled Up for whatever comes next in "the process" "the journey" "the path to a new normal". It won't be easy, especially this first year - what with all the FIRSTS that will occur but we've got through the ones that have come and gone already...
The 1st day, The 1st week, and now the 1st month. The 1st b-day, the 1st family centre potluck.
and now the ride to the 1st shier family supper, 1st summer, 1st kids birthday party, 1st baby born, 1st halloween, 1st christmas - all without her - has left the station. No turning back, no option to eject or pause. But lots of options to enjoy the scenery, remember the old times, and make new memories, because what all of this has taught me is you never know who's next. There is no going back in life. No do-overs, re-dos, take IIs, so I have to live for no regrets and doing all things right (or my best) the FIRST TIME.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOMMY! HAPPY BIRTHDAY BOBBY!
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Sunday, February 13, 2011
patience Please...
I hate slow interent connections (boo...dial up)
I hate that the libary and their fast connection is closed on sundays
I hate the look of my blog and want to change it - maybe (gasp!) a picture or two!
I hate the wordy design and my inability to know how to resize the stupid text boxes
So patience please if you're reading this...
Consider it under construction and me under frustration!
Good Day.
I hate that the libary and their fast connection is closed on sundays
I hate the look of my blog and want to change it - maybe (gasp!) a picture or two!
I hate the wordy design and my inability to know how to resize the stupid text boxes
So patience please if you're reading this...
Consider it under construction and me under frustration!
Good Day.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Fruits/Veggies & Me - an unhealthy relationship
I don't eat Fruit. I don't in Veggies. Therefore I don't loose weight.
It's not that I hate F/Vs it's just that I don't LOVE them and don't think to eat them. I can go weeks with having little more than a banana in the F/V column of diet. So what do I eat instead? Crap. Prepackaged, convinient, crap. 3 point Granola Bars mostly. They are too easy. I know I just shouldn't buy them - but they are better than the 5 point ones I used to get...
Produce goes bad in my fridge more often than it is consumed.
I need to refocus my diet if I am ever going to be sucessful in the weightloss world. (Which by the way, I'm feeling very unsuccessful in these days - next week is rollover and I've only lost 6 lbs in the first 12 weeks - should have been more like 20! I sucked. But as far as excuses go, I guess a sick/dieing/dead mom is a pretty good reason to have had a few extra brownies, bowls of Lucky Charms and pans of full-fat lasanga made by sweet, well meaning friends/neighbours... but that's all over with now - no more excuses...the next 12 weeks will be MAJOR or my name's not Feather Tober! )
So ways to increase my F/V intake to a near healthy level:
1. make ahead smoothies to have for morning snack. (4 at a time b/c I have 4 "tummblers" from Tupperware - Fab for freezing smoothies! Fill with fresh or frozen fruit that I will not eat fresh (pineapple, honeydew, berries, mango, etc etc) Add 1% milk, slim fast powder, a juice box and blend to a palatable mush. Freeze. remember to take out of freezer when I wake up. Voila! 2 servings of satisfying fruit.
2. Buy the more expensive, but useable frozen veggie medlies/sauced ones(as opposed to the unusable/gone bad vegs in my crisper) Like the yummy broccoli in cheese microwave boxes, stir fry mix, and the ones with baby corns in them! They won't go bad, and they are easy and yummy - so cook them, bitch, cook them!
3. Have a some kind of fruit at breakfast everyday. Banana, orange, apple... skip the refined sugar/carb cereals and have oatmeal/cream of wheat (instant b/c I'm lazy, with brown sugar splenda and a dollup of strawberry jam!) and a fruit. Just say NO to 26 years of my 2 daily bowls ceral and fill up on something that keeps me full for more than 20 minutes!
4. Any other suggestion?, oh beautiful blog readers who have a healthy relationship with the produce section of life...
It's not that I hate F/Vs it's just that I don't LOVE them and don't think to eat them. I can go weeks with having little more than a banana in the F/V column of diet. So what do I eat instead? Crap. Prepackaged, convinient, crap. 3 point Granola Bars mostly. They are too easy. I know I just shouldn't buy them - but they are better than the 5 point ones I used to get...
Produce goes bad in my fridge more often than it is consumed.
I need to refocus my diet if I am ever going to be sucessful in the weightloss world. (Which by the way, I'm feeling very unsuccessful in these days - next week is rollover and I've only lost 6 lbs in the first 12 weeks - should have been more like 20! I sucked. But as far as excuses go, I guess a sick/dieing/dead mom is a pretty good reason to have had a few extra brownies, bowls of Lucky Charms and pans of full-fat lasanga made by sweet, well meaning friends/neighbours... but that's all over with now - no more excuses...the next 12 weeks will be MAJOR or my name's not Feather Tober! )
So ways to increase my F/V intake to a near healthy level:
1. make ahead smoothies to have for morning snack. (4 at a time b/c I have 4 "tummblers" from Tupperware - Fab for freezing smoothies! Fill with fresh or frozen fruit that I will not eat fresh (pineapple, honeydew, berries, mango, etc etc) Add 1% milk, slim fast powder, a juice box and blend to a palatable mush. Freeze. remember to take out of freezer when I wake up. Voila! 2 servings of satisfying fruit.
2. Buy the more expensive, but useable frozen veggie medlies/sauced ones(as opposed to the unusable/gone bad vegs in my crisper) Like the yummy broccoli in cheese microwave boxes, stir fry mix, and the ones with baby corns in them! They won't go bad, and they are easy and yummy - so cook them, bitch, cook them!
3. Have a some kind of fruit at breakfast everyday. Banana, orange, apple... skip the refined sugar/carb cereals and have oatmeal/cream of wheat (instant b/c I'm lazy, with brown sugar splenda and a dollup of strawberry jam!) and a fruit. Just say NO to 26 years of my 2 daily bowls ceral and fill up on something that keeps me full for more than 20 minutes!
4. Any other suggestion?, oh beautiful blog readers who have a healthy relationship with the produce section of life...
Thursday, January 6, 2011
One Little Word
A lot of the local bloggers ahve been following the lead of Ali Edwards and choosing a word for the upcoming year. A flagship word that will describe 2011. I don't know the background of it all, as I'm not a loyal Ali Edwards follower, but it seems to be a type of new year's resolution. A way to shape your life around this one word.
In classic Heather style I'm having trouble committing to just one word.
My 3 words for 2011 are:
BREATHE - What I need to do more. Instead of yelling or losing my temper with the kids, Dan or Dad I need to stop and breathe first. Before having a freak-out, break-down or losing it I need to think and BREATHE.
TIME - Take time for myself, spend time with those who really matter to me, give myself as many time-outs as I give the kids, time to grieve, time to heal, never enough time to do everything!
NEW - Everything this year will be new. A new chapter in my life story...a chapter without my mommy. New ways of doing old things, a new baby (my sister's) in June, new start to weight watchers/weight loss, a new me??
In classic Heather style I'm having trouble committing to just one word.
My 3 words for 2011 are:
BREATHE - What I need to do more. Instead of yelling or losing my temper with the kids, Dan or Dad I need to stop and breathe first. Before having a freak-out, break-down or losing it I need to think and BREATHE.
TIME - Take time for myself, spend time with those who really matter to me, give myself as many time-outs as I give the kids, time to grieve, time to heal, never enough time to do everything!
NEW - Everything this year will be new. A new chapter in my life story...a chapter without my mommy. New ways of doing old things, a new baby (my sister's) in June, new start to weight watchers/weight loss, a new me??
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Junkie
A new low for me - almost as painful as the day I took the plunge and started this damn blog... I boughta book called "Love Your Handwriting" written by Heidi Swapp, endorsed by Becky Higgins, designed for crafty Marthas who appear to have their shit together. Those who ACTAULLY craft and scrapbook, not just compulsively buy and hoard supplies.
OK - in my defense, I was in Chapters - retail therapy after another long 12 hour shift with my mom- and it was on the baragain table. Only 9.99. So if it doesn't turn out to be a life changing read, at least I'm only out the price of a big box of cereal...
I long to be as put together as "those" girls are. To have unlimited bank accounts (or at least husbands that understand/tolerate their pension for all things new, trendy and hot off the Martha train.) Those women who have limitless time to scrapbook or blog or try new reciepes that can be blogged and scrapbooked next week. Whose houses could be in magazines, who's kids wear matching themed shirts, who always look so eff'n happy!
Me - well, I'm not a housekeeper or a decorator. My house is clean and I like how things look - but something tells me the 1970's couch, old-style TV, and dollarstore toy buckets won't be in any magainzes this year...
I'm lucky if my kids are wearing clean clothes that actually fit them! and well, my ACTUAL happiness is buried under layers of sadness, frustration, confusion, strength and necessity.
So, like a junkie, I sit and wallow in this self pity of not being picture perfect. I take another hit of my drug - Lucky Charms today - Bowl #3. Tastes so good. I hate myself for my weakness. For buying the box. For uncontrollably eating it. I already hate what it's doing to my body, my teeth. my weight watchers committment, BUT it tastes so good! So for now I focus on the sweet sugary crunch of Lucky's special Charms, and prepare to love my handwriting... or at least fake it!
OK - in my defense, I was in Chapters - retail therapy after another long 12 hour shift with my mom- and it was on the baragain table. Only 9.99. So if it doesn't turn out to be a life changing read, at least I'm only out the price of a big box of cereal...
I long to be as put together as "those" girls are. To have unlimited bank accounts (or at least husbands that understand/tolerate their pension for all things new, trendy and hot off the Martha train.) Those women who have limitless time to scrapbook or blog or try new reciepes that can be blogged and scrapbooked next week. Whose houses could be in magazines, who's kids wear matching themed shirts, who always look so eff'n happy!
Me - well, I'm not a housekeeper or a decorator. My house is clean and I like how things look - but something tells me the 1970's couch, old-style TV, and dollarstore toy buckets won't be in any magainzes this year...
I'm lucky if my kids are wearing clean clothes that actually fit them! and well, my ACTUAL happiness is buried under layers of sadness, frustration, confusion, strength and necessity.
So, like a junkie, I sit and wallow in this self pity of not being picture perfect. I take another hit of my drug - Lucky Charms today - Bowl #3. Tastes so good. I hate myself for my weakness. For buying the box. For uncontrollably eating it. I already hate what it's doing to my body, my teeth. my weight watchers committment, BUT it tastes so good! So for now I focus on the sweet sugary crunch of Lucky's special Charms, and prepare to love my handwriting... or at least fake it!
Monday, December 27, 2010
2 weeks
The urge to blog again hit me as I was taking the stairs to Unit 5A while eating a triple chocolate ice cream sandwich: My way of grieving with food and losing weight - both 2 interesting journeys for future posts...
I've been in Regina at the General hospital for what seems like months. It's really only been 2 weeks. 2 WEEKS! Crazy how the world keeps ticking. 2 weeks since we discovered my mom had a brain tumor. 2 weeks since the MRI revealed it was large and smack in the middle of her brain. Inoperable. Untreatable. Unstoppable.
It's a GBM phase IV. The worst of the worst (as more than one doctor has put it) Cancer - the C word. A Beast that is quickly enveloping her entire brain with it's greedy tenticles. Unreal.
5 days since out consult with a dr. at the cancer clinic. 5 days since we officially decided to walk the palliative path. It's a path that we've been unofficially tiptoeing down ever since coming to 5A.
My mom is going to die.
Every letter in that sentence breaks my heart. I hate it. It's too soon. Too fast. I'm not ready.
Mom has only been sick for about 2 months now. It started with tiredness, headaches and some flu symptoms. She laid in pain for weeks - the headaches taking every bit of her. She appeared depressed, not caring about anything. all she wanted to do was lay still in bed and hope for her headache to go away. When on a palliative path (end of life - terminal - nothing can save you now) path, pain management is #1. Such a rellief that she'll never be in pain again.
I deal with everything that's happening by nursing. (shoulda been one - or maybe I was one in another life...) Catching & measuring puke, emptying catheder bads, showering my mom, all help me help her. I enjoy (OK...I don't mind) helping her to the toilet, changing her sheets and keeping the nurses on their toes with med quizzes.
I know she'd do the same for me in a millisecond. I'm at the hospital early, stay late and in her room most of the time. I avoid company though. When she gets visitors I make myself scarce. I can't handle their sad looks or their complients that I'm so strong - doing so amazing.
F.U. is what I want to say. but perhaps, not the best PR for friendly, well meaning visitors... I'm not strong - I'm not the only one who's ever done personal care on their parent.
Maybe I am doing amazing, but that's what scares me. When will I lose it? When will I bawl and break things and scream and cuddle into a ball of fried emotions???
The reality is there won't be thime for that. Not now and not once we're back home. Too much shit to do. House is a friggin disaster. Kids have been without me for 2 weeks. I start back to work Jan 10. and I need to give 3 three my all. Plus there is all the other everyday things to do - all without the woman who kept my ducks in a row.
I am terrified for life after Arlene.
I know God needs her for something and I need to trust his plan for everything - but frig! - I need her for EVERYTHING!
Part if of me wants to give God the "tall man" and say FU!
The other part of me wants to go to church everyday, pray and pray and search and search for a spriritual meaning for this.
Both seem pretty radical...
I've been in Regina at the General hospital for what seems like months. It's really only been 2 weeks. 2 WEEKS! Crazy how the world keeps ticking. 2 weeks since we discovered my mom had a brain tumor. 2 weeks since the MRI revealed it was large and smack in the middle of her brain. Inoperable. Untreatable. Unstoppable.
It's a GBM phase IV. The worst of the worst (as more than one doctor has put it) Cancer - the C word. A Beast that is quickly enveloping her entire brain with it's greedy tenticles. Unreal.
5 days since out consult with a dr. at the cancer clinic. 5 days since we officially decided to walk the palliative path. It's a path that we've been unofficially tiptoeing down ever since coming to 5A.
My mom is going to die.
Every letter in that sentence breaks my heart. I hate it. It's too soon. Too fast. I'm not ready.
Mom has only been sick for about 2 months now. It started with tiredness, headaches and some flu symptoms. She laid in pain for weeks - the headaches taking every bit of her. She appeared depressed, not caring about anything. all she wanted to do was lay still in bed and hope for her headache to go away. When on a palliative path (end of life - terminal - nothing can save you now) path, pain management is #1. Such a rellief that she'll never be in pain again.
I deal with everything that's happening by nursing. (shoulda been one - or maybe I was one in another life...) Catching & measuring puke, emptying catheder bads, showering my mom, all help me help her. I enjoy (OK...I don't mind) helping her to the toilet, changing her sheets and keeping the nurses on their toes with med quizzes.
I know she'd do the same for me in a millisecond. I'm at the hospital early, stay late and in her room most of the time. I avoid company though. When she gets visitors I make myself scarce. I can't handle their sad looks or their complients that I'm so strong - doing so amazing.
F.U. is what I want to say. but perhaps, not the best PR for friendly, well meaning visitors... I'm not strong - I'm not the only one who's ever done personal care on their parent.
Maybe I am doing amazing, but that's what scares me. When will I lose it? When will I bawl and break things and scream and cuddle into a ball of fried emotions???
The reality is there won't be thime for that. Not now and not once we're back home. Too much shit to do. House is a friggin disaster. Kids have been without me for 2 weeks. I start back to work Jan 10. and I need to give 3 three my all. Plus there is all the other everyday things to do - all without the woman who kept my ducks in a row.
I am terrified for life after Arlene.
I know God needs her for something and I need to trust his plan for everything - but frig! - I need her for EVERYTHING!
Part if of me wants to give God the "tall man" and say FU!
The other part of me wants to go to church everyday, pray and pray and search and search for a spriritual meaning for this.
Both seem pretty radical...
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Weight Watcher.
Today is the start of my second week as a weight watcher. I've signed up to do the 12 week program in Carlyle every Wednesday night. I've been thinking about it for quite awhile, but it just hasn't worked out until now. I'm completly inspired my 2 of my friends who are WW's and SMOKIN'!!! I want to be skinny like them! So I took the plunge, wrote the check, stepped on the scale and made the committment. Which for those who know me, know that I have committment issues - and even commiting to a coffee date is hard for me! For the next 12 weeks I'll be counting points, tracking what I put in my mouth, crossing my fingers as I look down at the scale and trying to get my fat ass a bit (or a lot) smaller!
I know that weight is like age with women - a closely held secret - but I want to be able to tell everyone how much I weigh, and not be embarassed one bit - and I want to buy some clothes and not cringe at the size. I want to leave a change room smiling, enter a room without sucking in my tummy, and for the first time in my life feel SKINNY! I have memories going all the way back to grade 4 of being embrassed by my weight.
Anyways, it's starting out good, with a loss of 3.2 lbs in my first week! Lets hope I can keep it up though Chiristmas (will I be able to resist all the cream cheese goodies Shier Christmas Eve is famous for??) and into the new year!
I have no idea what my ideal weight would be - in my adult years I've never been under 180 - so anything under that would be a dream! The smallest size I've been was a 12 (for a short time) - so being a single size would be insane!
I know that weight is like age with women - a closely held secret - but I want to be able to tell everyone how much I weigh, and not be embarassed one bit - and I want to buy some clothes and not cringe at the size. I want to leave a change room smiling, enter a room without sucking in my tummy, and for the first time in my life feel SKINNY! I have memories going all the way back to grade 4 of being embrassed by my weight.
Anyways, it's starting out good, with a loss of 3.2 lbs in my first week! Lets hope I can keep it up though Chiristmas (will I be able to resist all the cream cheese goodies Shier Christmas Eve is famous for??) and into the new year!
I have no idea what my ideal weight would be - in my adult years I've never been under 180 - so anything under that would be a dream! The smallest size I've been was a 12 (for a short time) - so being a single size would be insane!
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