Double Whammy

Today was a whopper of a bad day. It marks one months since my mom took her last breath. It is also the day she should have turned 56. For me, things have just suddenly become real. She's not on a holiday - she's gone. forever. and it sucks more and more everyday.

Mom has been away before, to visit my sister, on cruises or holidays - but never more than 3 weeks at a time. So the reality of no more phone calls, no more hugs, no more smiling every second she's with my kids, is setting in.

Had a big ugly cry last night and some very comforting BBM convos (did I mention I'm new to the Blackberry world, and loving it) with Dan and a wizard of a friend.
I asked a friend, who shares my moms birthday, to have a rum & coke and piece of cake for her, just in case it doesn't taste the same in heaven...

I'm buckled Up for whatever comes next in "the process" "the journey" "the path to a new normal". It won't be easy, especially this first year - what with all the FIRSTS that will occur but we've got through the ones that have come and gone already...
The 1st day, The 1st week, and now the 1st month. The 1st b-day, the 1st family centre potluck.

and now the ride to the 1st shier family supper, 1st summer, 1st kids birthday party, 1st baby born, 1st halloween, 1st christmas - all without her - has left the station. No turning back, no option to eject or pause. But lots of options to enjoy the scenery, remember the old times, and make new memories, because what all of this has taught me is you never know who's next. There is no going back in life. No do-overs, re-dos, take IIs, so I have to live for no regrets and doing all things right (or my best) the FIRST TIME.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOMMY! HAPPY BIRTHDAY BOBBY!

patience Please...

I hate slow interent connections (boo...dial up)
I hate that the libary and their fast connection is closed on sundays
I hate the look of my blog and want to change it - maybe (gasp!) a picture or two!
I hate the wordy design and my inability to know how to resize the stupid text boxes

So patience please if you're reading this...
Consider it under construction and me under frustration!

Good Day.