Junkie

A new low for me - almost as painful as the day I took the plunge and started this damn blog... I boughta book called "Love Your Handwriting" written by Heidi Swapp, endorsed by Becky Higgins, designed for crafty Marthas who appear to have their shit together. Those who ACTAULLY craft and scrapbook, not just compulsively buy and hoard supplies.
OK - in my defense, I was in Chapters - retail therapy after another long 12 hour shift with my mom- and it was on the baragain table. Only 9.99. So if it doesn't turn out to be a life changing read, at least I'm only out the price of a big box of cereal...

I long to be as put together as "those" girls are. To have unlimited bank accounts (or at least husbands that understand/tolerate their pension for all things new, trendy and hot off the Martha train.) Those women who have limitless time to scrapbook or blog or try new reciepes that can be blogged and scrapbooked next week. Whose houses could be in magazines, who's kids wear matching themed shirts, who always look so eff'n happy!

Me - well, I'm not a housekeeper or a decorator. My house is clean and I like how things look - but something tells me the 1970's couch, old-style TV, and dollarstore toy buckets won't be in any magainzes this year...
I'm lucky if my kids are wearing clean clothes that actually fit them! and well, my ACTUAL happiness is buried under layers of sadness, frustration, confusion, strength and necessity.

So, like a junkie, I sit and wallow in this self pity of not being picture perfect. I take another hit of my drug - Lucky Charms today - Bowl #3. Tastes so good. I hate myself for my weakness. For buying the box. For uncontrollably eating it. I already hate what it's doing to my body, my teeth. my weight watchers committment, BUT it tastes so good! So for now I focus on the sweet sugary crunch of Lucky's special Charms, and prepare to love my handwriting... or at least fake it!