Two months to go....
Christmas this year will be different. The first Christmas without my mom. It makes me very sad thinking about it. She loved the presents and the cookies and the big family suppers.
Kayla and I tried to do the gift draw like we've done for years. Mom & Dad, Me & Dan, K & Dave. Each must buy for one person. $100 gift. No getting your spouse to do the shopping for you. (a rule for the boys mostly...) This year we decided not to do it. Just didn't feel right. It made me think of last Christmas. Dan had mom's name. He brought her a big bouquet of flowers. So perfect and bittersweet. She always joked with him that she'd expect flowers @ the home once a week...
Last Christmas was as special as it could be. We booked a board room on 5A and ordered a huge pizza from the cafeteria. Mom was well enough to come down in a wheelchair and open some presents with the kids. Her emotions were fried by then, so its hard to tell if she enjoyed it - but i think she did. i was her last time interacting with her grandkids.
Plans for this year are still up in the air and stressing me out already. Kayla will not be coming home. It's their year to stay in Medicine Hat with Dave's family. We have no idea what Dad and his "roommate" Jo-Anne will be doing.
*Will they have separate celebrations with thier families?
*Will dad go with her to Saskatoon?
*Will she stay here?
*Will her family come down here?
Right now, for me. I hope they both go to saskatoon or else have separate christmases with their families.
-I don't want to do it with her family down here, as if we're some big happy blended family!
-If she stays here, she won't be welcome @ a Shier family gathering - so it would just be us and them - which would be painfully awkward and boring and not something we want to do.
-If dad goes with her to Saskatoon he won't be missed. (what a terrible thing to say - but it's kinda true)
-I'd like to celebrate with the Shier's (like we do every year) They are our closest family, they are fun, and will be missing her just like us.
- Another option is for us to pack up and go to Edmonton to spend Christmas with Dan's family. Might be alright, but will be overshadowed by sadness, as Dan's cousin passed away this summer and everyone will be mourning/missing him. (instead of mom...)
-yet another option is to go on a "holiday" just the 5 of us. Hotel, Swimming, Pizza, Fun. That'd be a good one too!
I know it's 2 months away and I have lots of things to worry about/get through before then, but it is always there bouncing around in my mind.
But wherever it is, whoever it's with, we just have to remember to say Happy Birthday to Baby Jesus and be thankful for all the good in our lives.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
No Yell Parenting?
I hate yelling. I feel like all I do is yell at my kids. They don't listen the first 2 (or 10) times I say something and they only sometimes listen to me when I yell. Even after yelling they go right back to what I asked them not to do (or whatever...) This is incredibly frustrating for me. As soon as I yell at them I am immediately guilty. They're little. It's not thier fault. It's me who should take a deep breath and try again.
I've heard rumours of a magical no yell parenting technique. Books, experts, parents with super-powers in patience. I think I'll do some googling and see what I can find.
My sanity, blood pressure, and children deserve better than a screaming lunatic mom! I'll work on it. I promise.
I've heard rumours of a magical no yell parenting technique. Books, experts, parents with super-powers in patience. I think I'll do some googling and see what I can find.
My sanity, blood pressure, and children deserve better than a screaming lunatic mom! I'll work on it. I promise.
Not the Teacher...
My kids started pre-school and pre-k in Sept. This year I am not the teacher. The month leading up to the first day was tough for me. I missed the lesson planning, class lists, bulletin boards and felt like I was ready to pick up where I left off in May. I had lots of ideas for centres and crafts and bulletin boards bouncing around in my brain. It's been hard to let go.... I'm not the teacher. It's not my problem. But I did have alot of expectations, comparisons, and negative (skeptical?) opinions of the new teacher. I know if I WAS the teacher I'd be far too stressed and tried and not enjoying it. So I need to focus on MY kids and being excited for them. Last year, I think that Tristan didn't get the praise he deserved for his behavior/art work, as I had 60 kids to share that praise with. And I've decided that if they're falling behind/not getting what I think they should out of the program I can always do more mini-preschool stuff at home. As long as they are enjoying going to school, I will be happy. (or at least content) And 2 months into the programs, I have more confidence in the new teacher and my kids are loving it!
Saturday, March 5, 2011
The Science of the Hug
Hug Count - feels like one zillion (more like 500)
In the last few months I've had all sorts of hugs:
- The too long, wish they'd let go already, hug
- The too short, please hug me til it stops hurting, hug
- The tentative, handshake/hug
- The too tight, this is not nice hug
- The hug with a whisper of encouragment
- I've even had one with a kiss on the way out (by a near, stranger...)
all of the above seem uncomfortable, awkward and un natural is some way.
Then there are those awesome hugs. The ones that feel so warm and comforting. You can feel the love (unromantic love) that person has for you. I'm like a sponge when I get one. Soaking up love, encouragement and good vibes. These hugs are perfectly timed, just right in every way. Just enough to get me through the day/night/next 10 minutes.
My advice to anyone reading this is to HUG. but MEAN IT when you hug. Like the words I love you, a hug can be a powerful, wonderful thing or awkward and all wrong...
In the last few months I've had all sorts of hugs:
- The too long, wish they'd let go already, hug
- The too short, please hug me til it stops hurting, hug
- The tentative, handshake/hug
- The too tight, this is not nice hug
- The hug with a whisper of encouragment
- I've even had one with a kiss on the way out (by a near, stranger...)
all of the above seem uncomfortable, awkward and un natural is some way.
Then there are those awesome hugs. The ones that feel so warm and comforting. You can feel the love (unromantic love) that person has for you. I'm like a sponge when I get one. Soaking up love, encouragement and good vibes. These hugs are perfectly timed, just right in every way. Just enough to get me through the day/night/next 10 minutes.
My advice to anyone reading this is to HUG. but MEAN IT when you hug. Like the words I love you, a hug can be a powerful, wonderful thing or awkward and all wrong...
My Heart Still Feels (a good thing? I don't know)
Things that PING my heart these days:
- Any mention of the word "mom" by a friend, acquaintance or voice on the radio
- When my kids ask to talk to Bobby. (they think that the operator's voice on the phone is Bobby, she keeps telling them "there is trouble completing your call" and they just keep yapping away.)
- When T sings "Finkle Finkle Little Star"
-Seeing (or worse/best) holding a baby
- When T says "It's purfic mom!"
- When I go to church and sit in "our" pew without her, I can still feel her there
- When I drive by the cemetary (every day - at least twice - to and from town) and see her yellow flowers peeking out of the snow bank
- Rach's around the neck squeezes and sweet sweet kisses
- A "Good Morning" or "Good Night" text (BBM!) from Dan
- A perfectly timed hug from a good friend
- Any mention of the word "mom" by a friend, acquaintance or voice on the radio
- When my kids ask to talk to Bobby. (they think that the operator's voice on the phone is Bobby, she keeps telling them "there is trouble completing your call" and they just keep yapping away.)
- When T sings "Finkle Finkle Little Star"
-Seeing (or worse/best) holding a baby
- When T says "It's purfic mom!"
- When I go to church and sit in "our" pew without her, I can still feel her there
- When I drive by the cemetary (every day - at least twice - to and from town) and see her yellow flowers peeking out of the snow bank
- Rach's around the neck squeezes and sweet sweet kisses
- A "Good Morning" or "Good Night" text (BBM!) from Dan
- A perfectly timed hug from a good friend
Mixed Up Feelings...
I wish it was me, but so so so thankful it's not.
A friend is faced with the terrifing news that she might have cancer. The next 2 weeks will feel like years to all of us - especially her, as we wait for a biopsy and results. Just a few months ago we went through this with mom. Not again, I can't believe it.
As she told me, I couldn't help but wish it was me. I'm a helper - it's my nature. If I could do it for her, I would - but on the other hand I'm an so incredibly thankful that it's not me. I've been there before, with the mixed feelings... When a friend's love was killed, I wished she didn't hurt, that it hadn't happened, but was so greatful that it wasn't me who had lost Dan. I couldn't imagine.
So today, THANKFUL PAIN (?) is what I feel today.
My friend is a beautiful woman, with 2 lively kids, a career - an awesome life to LIVE for. She is a strong, healthy person - not a pack-a-day smoker with a Big Mac Habit! Why does it happen to the good ones?
I love her and could not have made it through the past 3 years of my life (especially the last few months) without her - and we'll make it through this challenge too. Fingers crossed that all of this is just a scare, a terrible mix-up, a non-cancerous polup of fatty tissue.
Regardless - through the POWER of FRIENDS and PRAYER - she'll be alright (and so will we)
A friend is faced with the terrifing news that she might have cancer. The next 2 weeks will feel like years to all of us - especially her, as we wait for a biopsy and results. Just a few months ago we went through this with mom. Not again, I can't believe it.
As she told me, I couldn't help but wish it was me. I'm a helper - it's my nature. If I could do it for her, I would - but on the other hand I'm an so incredibly thankful that it's not me. I've been there before, with the mixed feelings... When a friend's love was killed, I wished she didn't hurt, that it hadn't happened, but was so greatful that it wasn't me who had lost Dan. I couldn't imagine.
So today, THANKFUL PAIN (?) is what I feel today.
My friend is a beautiful woman, with 2 lively kids, a career - an awesome life to LIVE for. She is a strong, healthy person - not a pack-a-day smoker with a Big Mac Habit! Why does it happen to the good ones?
I love her and could not have made it through the past 3 years of my life (especially the last few months) without her - and we'll make it through this challenge too. Fingers crossed that all of this is just a scare, a terrible mix-up, a non-cancerous polup of fatty tissue.
Regardless - through the POWER of FRIENDS and PRAYER - she'll be alright (and so will we)
Thursday, March 3, 2011
For Five Cents (or for F**k Sakes..) A Tober Chore Circus
Everyday chores for me include: drive or walk down to the arena to pour 2 5 gal pails of chop to the bulls. (Lovingly named: Big Boy, Eddy, Tommy, and the 4 "babies") Check that their waterer isn't froze and that they still have a salt block. While in the area I try to spot the horses - positioned in a different pasture, on the other side of the arena. I need to get a visual on 5.
Then to the cats (down to 2, see future blog post for life of a Tober cat saga...- who's new feeding turf is a flax bale positioned between the shop & arena (so much snow that the dogs could get up on the cat's table and eat all the food!) that is 2 scoops of chow and whatever table scraps my children have gratiously donated to the efforts (cats don't like carrots - but they always get a healthy helping of them...) After these cats I drive to Bob's Farm (just down the road) to feed his 3 cats (Bob, our eldery neighbour just passed away and asked us to keep an eye out for his kitties) These cats are not-so-creativily names Mangey, Blackie, and the big one. this feed stop is another scoop of chow and sometimes scraps too. Easy peasy everyday chores
About once a week chores get a bit more interesting... This is when the bulls and horses need bales. So usually after work I load the kids up in the tractor and off we go to get bales. 2 for the bulls, 2 for the horses from the stack behind the house. Pretty easy, simple job, right? maybe.
The bulls are dumb. Drop 2 bales over the side of the arena and they instantly start chomping away like they havn't eaten all winter (it's been maybe 10 minutes since they last had a piece of hay in their mouths) They are so intent on the bales that I can open the big gate, drive in, shut the big gate and pick up a bale without so much as a sniff towards the tractor or that green metal portal to freedom. They are so stuck to the bales that I actually touch them with the bucket of the tractor before they move out of the way. The kids expertly point me in the direction of the empty feeders and pick out the most suitable new spot to move the feeders to, when manure begins to accumulate at the current sites. The kids are also on the look out for prairie chickens, deer and moose (we've never spotted one of those while in the tractor...)
Cutting the strings off the bales involves me leaving the kids unattended in the tractor while murder some strings with a steak knife. It also involves Rach revving the tractor, T turning on the "swishers" (wipers) - front and back ones- Rach movin the steering wheel back and forth a million times, T finding the hitch pins, Rach putting a hitch pin in her mouth, T honking the horn, Rach honkin the horn, and someone turning on the signal light(s). This is repeated for the second bale.
Then to the horses. The horses are dumb too - but in a wild way. The sight of the tractor with a bale sends all 5 of them into a bucking, snorting, running fit like they are all wild mustangs or Stampede Stock! They are unpredictable in a predictable sort of way. Shit will happen when they lose their minds like this. A fence will get broke, a panel will get knocked over, they will get out the gate.
I've had pretty good luck this winter - of all the times I've put out bales I'm managed to keep them chased away from the gate long enough to open the gate, scurry back into my mini-van of a tractor, drive through the gate, climb over Rach and down the stairs to shut the gate, without any of the bronc's escaping.
Today however was not a lucky day. I thought that they were all kicking and snorting far enough away from the gate - but one sneaking guy - Ice - saw an opportunity to get out and he took it - at full speed. His success signalled the other 4 to stop what they were losing their minds about, orgainze and run out the gate as I desperatly tried to drive through the gate. Shit. Shit. Shit. they're out. I'm in the pasture with 2 kids in a tractor and I've got 5 horses on the loose. The kids know it's bad. They are mesmerized by the running horses, they recieve a stern warning from me to SIT HERE. as I launch out of the tractor and run toward the oat bin, gathering 5 frozen pails on my way. The frozen top layer of snow rips through my jeans and into my skin (I'm in running shoes) I sink to my knees every third stride as I hurdle the snow banks like a sinking, pathetic hippo. I watch as they run toward the house, behind the house, to the bales, back to the house, take a look down the lane (please don't go that way..) and then back into the arena. I make my way over to the gate and call them for grain. I'm likely supposed to give them grain every day in the winter (I do throughout the summer), but it's just too inconvienent and doesn't seem overly necessary... regardless, they know what that sweet golden goodness is, and as I call and shake my pails they all 5 gallop through the gate! Phew! If they had taken a left instead of a right and went down the lane, side road, and/or main road my swearing would have been more colourful and the kids would have seen a frazzeld, cold mommy chase, call, catch and hopefully lead home 5 horses. It's happened in the summer, which was bad enough.
But for another week, the bulls, horses and free loader deer, have bales.
Then to the cats (down to 2, see future blog post for life of a Tober cat saga...- who's new feeding turf is a flax bale positioned between the shop & arena (so much snow that the dogs could get up on the cat's table and eat all the food!) that is 2 scoops of chow and whatever table scraps my children have gratiously donated to the efforts (cats don't like carrots - but they always get a healthy helping of them...) After these cats I drive to Bob's Farm (just down the road) to feed his 3 cats (Bob, our eldery neighbour just passed away and asked us to keep an eye out for his kitties) These cats are not-so-creativily names Mangey, Blackie, and the big one. this feed stop is another scoop of chow and sometimes scraps too. Easy peasy everyday chores
About once a week chores get a bit more interesting... This is when the bulls and horses need bales. So usually after work I load the kids up in the tractor and off we go to get bales. 2 for the bulls, 2 for the horses from the stack behind the house. Pretty easy, simple job, right? maybe.
The bulls are dumb. Drop 2 bales over the side of the arena and they instantly start chomping away like they havn't eaten all winter (it's been maybe 10 minutes since they last had a piece of hay in their mouths) They are so intent on the bales that I can open the big gate, drive in, shut the big gate and pick up a bale without so much as a sniff towards the tractor or that green metal portal to freedom. They are so stuck to the bales that I actually touch them with the bucket of the tractor before they move out of the way. The kids expertly point me in the direction of the empty feeders and pick out the most suitable new spot to move the feeders to, when manure begins to accumulate at the current sites. The kids are also on the look out for prairie chickens, deer and moose (we've never spotted one of those while in the tractor...)
Cutting the strings off the bales involves me leaving the kids unattended in the tractor while murder some strings with a steak knife. It also involves Rach revving the tractor, T turning on the "swishers" (wipers) - front and back ones- Rach movin the steering wheel back and forth a million times, T finding the hitch pins, Rach putting a hitch pin in her mouth, T honking the horn, Rach honkin the horn, and someone turning on the signal light(s). This is repeated for the second bale.
Then to the horses. The horses are dumb too - but in a wild way. The sight of the tractor with a bale sends all 5 of them into a bucking, snorting, running fit like they are all wild mustangs or Stampede Stock! They are unpredictable in a predictable sort of way. Shit will happen when they lose their minds like this. A fence will get broke, a panel will get knocked over, they will get out the gate.
I've had pretty good luck this winter - of all the times I've put out bales I'm managed to keep them chased away from the gate long enough to open the gate, scurry back into my mini-van of a tractor, drive through the gate, climb over Rach and down the stairs to shut the gate, without any of the bronc's escaping.
Today however was not a lucky day. I thought that they were all kicking and snorting far enough away from the gate - but one sneaking guy - Ice - saw an opportunity to get out and he took it - at full speed. His success signalled the other 4 to stop what they were losing their minds about, orgainze and run out the gate as I desperatly tried to drive through the gate. Shit. Shit. Shit. they're out. I'm in the pasture with 2 kids in a tractor and I've got 5 horses on the loose. The kids know it's bad. They are mesmerized by the running horses, they recieve a stern warning from me to SIT HERE. as I launch out of the tractor and run toward the oat bin, gathering 5 frozen pails on my way. The frozen top layer of snow rips through my jeans and into my skin (I'm in running shoes) I sink to my knees every third stride as I hurdle the snow banks like a sinking, pathetic hippo. I watch as they run toward the house, behind the house, to the bales, back to the house, take a look down the lane (please don't go that way..) and then back into the arena. I make my way over to the gate and call them for grain. I'm likely supposed to give them grain every day in the winter (I do throughout the summer), but it's just too inconvienent and doesn't seem overly necessary... regardless, they know what that sweet golden goodness is, and as I call and shake my pails they all 5 gallop through the gate! Phew! If they had taken a left instead of a right and went down the lane, side road, and/or main road my swearing would have been more colourful and the kids would have seen a frazzeld, cold mommy chase, call, catch and hopefully lead home 5 horses. It's happened in the summer, which was bad enough.
But for another week, the bulls, horses and free loader deer, have bales.
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